stormy--'s Diaryland Diary

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The Day of Therapy and M&Ms

Today I braved the winds and rains (it seems like it has been raining for ages!) and went to the grocery store. I really had no choice. My refrigerators (one in the house and the other in my garage [this one is mostly for sodas, water, and acts as an overflow for my main fridge]) and my cupboards (my non-snack cupboards that is) were looking bare. Last night for dinner it was either warm up a can of chicken noodle soup or take a risk on some hinky looking leftover beef stew. I chose the soup. I think I chose wisely.

It's always an adventure grocery shopping when you basically need everything. Thank goodness I grabbed the large shopping cart instead of those little ones I typically prefer. I was loaded down. But, to be fair, I did pick up some soda, paper towels, and laundry soap and those items tend to take up a lot of shopping cart real-estate.

And I bought some Halloween candy!!! Trick-or-treat in my town and surrounding communities has been cancelled. I'm not sure about other cities but in mine parents can take their kids to a makeshift drive thru in the parking lot in front of City Hall. There kids can get a bag full of treats with minimal person to person contact. I was happy when I heard trick-or-treat was cancelled and, even if they didn't cancel it, I hadn't planned on passing anything out this year. So, with trick-or-treat being cancelled, that meant that my grocery store had tons of Halloween candy still on the shelves. So much that they actually put all of it on sale for 50% off. And it's not even Halloween yet! I got excited when I saw that they had two boxes full of Halloween peanut M&Ms on sale, and I dropped 4 bags into my cart! I really didn't need any more M&Ms since my cupboard is full, but I kind of got carried away (at least I didn't buy 6 bags like I initially wanted!). But I think of it like this: they were 50% off so, really, it was like I only bought 2 bags instead of 4. And since I'm planning on emptying a whole bag into my pumpkin candy dish that sits on my desk in my office (where I can easily snack as I work), it's really like I only bought 1 bag. And one bag is nothing. It's almost like I didn't buy any at all! (BTW... I also bought a bag of Snickers for Joe since I know those are his favorite.)

Before I went to the grocery store today I had an online appointment with my therapist. And, let me tell you, I think I really needed it. My anxiety has been through the roof, the other night I had a panic attack at Joe's house (talk about embarrassing), the nightmares have come back almost nightly, and I've been feeling so overwhelmed emotionally. When I was talking to my therapist I actually burst into tears. We're talking uncontrollably sobbing and a runny yet congested nose. I am SO not a pretty crier. And I hate crying in front of other people, and not just because my face looks like a complete mess when I do so. Even though I know that therapy is a "safe place", I just can't stop the humiliation I feel whenever I cry or get overly emotional. Even on here when I post something that might be a little too ... personal, I cringe and think, "why the heck did I post that?". But I digress....

Today in therapy we talked about a lot of hard topic stuff. And I think this is the first time that I didn't completely shut her down when she approached certain topics. I was brutally honest and I actually told her some things I have never told another person. And the weird thing is after our time was over I felt almost as if a small weight had been taken off of my shoulders. I mean, my sinuses were shot to hell and my body felt like I went two hours on the elliptical machine. But it felt freeing to say what I said and knowing that my world didn't come crashing down all around me. The only thing is she gave me homework. I have to keep a journal (about certain stuff) until I see her next. I don't necessarily want to do it but I am going to make myself complete the task. If it helps me get my head right in the long run, I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

So tonight is Halloween movie night at casa de moi (sorry for mixing my Spanish with French). I'm starting the evening alone and I'm watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" followed by "Hocus Pocus". Then Joe is off work at 10 and then he's bringing over a scarier movie. I'm not sure what that is. I don't do scary movies because they freak me out. But Joe promised to bring over a movie that's scary but also sort of tame. Personally, I don't think such a movie exists. But then again I'm a big wuss. Joe also said he was staying over tonight. So, hopefully, I'll get a few hours of sleep after watching something scary instead of listening and freaking out over every little noise my house makes.

Happy Halloween, my peeps. May the peanut M&Ms be plentiful (or whatever treats you enjoy) and the belly aches be minimal!

2:10 p.m. - 2020-10-30

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